Belle’s Blog

I have been basking in the warmth of the sun, and obviously in the warmth of my lovers’ embraces. Apparently my students are feeling the same way, at least about the former, as the drawing of the sun I found seems to indicate. I’m not sure if is it the amount of fucking going on between Ted, Tina, Sadie and I, or what, but the sun seems incredibly breast-like.

Looks like a breast to me

I just have to say, I’m also just reveling in how everything works out so well if you just follow the teachings of The Ethical Slut. Everything worked out so well with Sadie, and this solves the issue of Ted wanting to date other people, and let’s just say, I’m blissfully happy. And blissfully busy.

I tried again to go to a women’s orgy. This one was listed as a women’s-only meeting, for exploring flirty, fun adventures with other women, and I thought there would be no way to misinterpret that, but it was really more of a workshop about how to flirt with women. So I’ve decided that women are too subtle, so I am only going to try groups that are more explicit. Fortunately, I’ve found one that really can’t be open to interpretation at all, because they are specifically calling it a passion party! I’ll let you know how it goes.

Which nicely segues with this recently discovered white board art. I wish I knew what the text means… signature? love note?

[oops... I wrote this out the other day, then forgot to post it. Here ya go.]

OMG, I just sat through the most boring women’s health presentations ever. I really tried to listen, I tried not to fidget incessantly… but, well, the fact is, I that was *so* not what I was expecting, and really wasn’t what I skipped podcasting for. Though I popped in at the last minute, and got to sign off with everyone, which was nice.

I thought it was a bi women’s get together that would be closer to my own research area, of exploring my judgmental attitudes towards sexuality that is outside of my preferred arena. In short, I thought it was a bi women’s play party. Instead, it turns out it is some sort of discussion group, and so instead of hot bi women action, I get images of inflamatory breast cancer. It was good to know about, I’d never heard of inflamatory breast cancer, and it is usually fatal, because it is more difficult to dectect and diagnose, because it is not well known, has different symptoms, and does not show up on a mammogram. So, public service announcement, ladies, please inform yourself about inflamatory breast cancer.

But really, hot sex versus diseased breasts…. you can imagine my disappointment.

It has been a bit of a bumpy road this past month. I have not had the energy to post, aside from being busy, I’m still just so damn confused and trying to figure out my shit that I really don’t feel like I have very much to say about it, particularly not in this forum. I’ve found a friend who has been willing to let me talk about the stuff on my mind. She’s done some kind of peer counseling, and it has been really great to have someone outside the situation to talk to informally.

I saw this on campus and snapped a pic a couple of weeks ago, and just haven’t posted it.

When I first saw it, I thought car crash, that’s what my life feels like right now. But I don’t really feel that way anymore about my life, it is definitely chaotic, but not as destructive as a car crash. The funny thing is, this image seems just as fitting to the way I feel right now. Full of energy, implications of change and transition. It is such a ridiculously simple image that I am not sure why it really spoke to me as art. It is really just a doodle. But for some reason, it just strikes a cord. Are they moving in the same direction, or apart? Are they about to collide? And the way that someone seems to have dragged a finger through both cars…. Do they form windows? Or is it a statement from the 3rd dimension to the inhabitants of the flat white world, a comment on their situation somehow?

On top of all this, I’ve been fighting a cold, and I partially lost my voice because of it, and it isn’t quite back, so I’m not sure if I can go on the air tonight or not. I was planning to play it by ear. I want to be there, but not sure about how healthy that will be for my voice. I guess we’ll see shortly.

What a holiday season. I am of course still reeling from events of late, but have also been a bit preoccupied with school starting tomorrow. I have been liking this quote from Hartley Coldridge as my thought for the new year:

“The merry year is born, like the bright berry from the naked thorn.”

Hopefully all the pain I’ve experienced this season will birth sweet pleasure in the coming year.

Well, that was a spectacular disaster. Normally, I don’t like to spill the beans on an episode, but I just can’t keep this pent up. During podcasting tonight, I found out that Ted has been talking to other people about wanting to date others, and in particular, to Kathy! Kathy, who has fucked half the community at this point! And Ted should be taking her advice? Ridiculous, of course she will encourage him to date other people, and says that he was really moving in that direction already. I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to add him to her list of conquests.

Nobody seems to realize how fucked up this is, and what poor timing it is. I mean, Ted probably just feels neglected right now because Tina and I have spent so much time processing since Thanksgiving. Maybe it even bothers him that she and I have been together longer, and were monogamous before I met him.

To answer your comment to my last post, MadGastronomer, no I have not considered whether Ted may be seeking out other relationships because what we have together is so good. Frankly, that really just doesn’t feel like the response that goodness in a relationship should elicit. I know you can’t be everything to one person (let alone two in my case), but missing something is not an excuse to go looking for it elsewhere. We didn’t get to where we are because I went and sought out something I didn’t have with Tina. Tina and I were solid and established, and I ended up meeting someone who swept me off my feet. What Ted is doing is totally different. He is saying that what we have is not good enough, that he needs more. Polyamory is not an excuse to ignore what is wrong with your current relationship.

Nobody ever gets all their needs met anyway. People who insist on getting all their needs met will end up disappointed, and exhausted from trying. You have to be a balanced and whole person in and of yourself, and seek company for your journey. Apparently Ted does not agree.

Everything was starting to feel back to normal. Tina and I had worked through the controversy over Hannah, and Hannah I was mostly feeling fine again. Now Ted tells me that he is interested in dating other people. I can’t believe it. I thought we were all really happy, and though our “philosophical” discussions were unsettling, I didn’t think they would lead to anything. I mean, I’m pretty much the only person that Ted has seriously dated for the past 7 years, since he hadn’t seriously dated for about a year before we met. I’m extremely fucking upset, and this really couldn’t have come at a worse time.

On Friday, Kathy, a fan of the podcast, came to visit us at Kanawi, and she joined us for recording the podcast. We shared some great conversation, with topics ranging from poly to Batman to hair. Speaking of which, Kathy was sporting multicolored yarn hair on Friday, and she told us a story about how the woman who made the yarn was so excited to see how Kathy was wearing it in her hair at Burning Man, that she ended up snapping a picture of Kathy’s yarn pigtails. I asked if I could do the same, and here it is!

I have been pondering Hannah’s comments in her blog entry, Oh, the drama, and have some additional thoughts regarding the purpose of the podcast, and how it relates to drama.

The word Polytics is composed of the words politics and poly, and the meaning is a composite of the two. Politics, in the context we are using it, is defined by Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, as “5 a : the total complex of relations between people living in society.” The amalgam of poly and politics highlights that the discussion focuses on the relationship politics in the poly community, specifically in the Kanawi community. Now, relationship politics can be extremely difficult between two people, and when you add more to that, it becomes exponentially difficult. Therefore, drama is practically integral to poly. Given that poly IS drama, our team believes that the best way to deal with the stress, challenges, quirks, discrimination, misunderstandings, etc., is to laugh at them! While it is true that during the throes of drama, complicated social situations do not necessarily feel funny, we believe that if you can find a way to see the humor, it really does ease the drama.

So I believe the purpose of our podcast is to bring some levity to a life that is filled with heavy content by its nature. This goal is irritating to some people, because they can’t see the humor in the drama, they just see it as an expose, and I don’t necessarily mean Hannah. I mean anyone who chooses to escalate the drama in a way that increases the total amount of drama, with no ability to alleviate any of the negative aspects of drama. Targeting the podcast with criticism causes drama, and alleviates nothing. When the podcast pokes fun at situations in the community, it may increase a bit of drama if you look at it that way, but it also alleviates a fair amount of drama with the humor. Therefore, I firmly believe that what we are doing is very good for the community.

So… People! Don’t take things so seriously! Lighten up! Laugh at yourself, laugh at life, and it will feel better.

Even I have to laugh at Bernie’s denotation of my recent personal drama as “Jello-sy”. It’s funny!

So I’ve been reading TES, and I’m willing to admit that I may be a little bit jealous, but not unreasonably so. In Jealousy 2:4, TES says “Sometimes the truth is that we are becoming aware on an intuitive level that our partner is moving away from us, and it might be true that we are losing the relationship that we cherish.” It goes on to talk in 2:5 about a situation where a lover was trying to pull the partner away from their partnership. That is proof that I am not being unreasonable, that I am just picking up on the subtle and not-so-subtle cues that Hannah is trying to take Tina.